The conversation went something like this:
“How are you and [I couldn’t hear his name]?”
“Not great.”
“What? The pics you posted from Friday’s party looked like everything was great!”
“Isn’t that what everyone does? Everything looks great on Facebook.”
“So what’s really going on?”
She speaks slowly, processing as she tells her friend, “After Friday, we broke up. I brought up some things that were bothering me but, of course, it’s always my fault. He never takes responsibility for anything, never apologizes. If you ever heard some of the things he says to me, you would be sooo mad at him. I feel so manipulated. I looked up narcissism and he checks all the boxes. You know, I told him that even small gestures would mean so much, like if he would just text me and let me know he’s thinking about me…”
It’s at this point that I want to talk over the booth and say, “Girl! He can’t say that. He’s not thinking about you. He’s thinking about himself! He’s a narcissist. He has no choice but to think only of himself.” But I didn’t say anything and I wasn’t trying to eavesdrop but they weren’t trying to be quiet…so I listened.
“We have talked about money and his over-spending before but it wasn’t until I broke up that he told me he’s been saving money for us, so that we can be together.”
What? Why didn’t he tell her earlier? Because it’s bull! It’s not true! To her, this new information has the potential to change everything. To him, it’s just another piece in the game. Because for him, that’s what this is – a game. And when she makes the big play of backing away or breaking up, he makes the bigger play of finally telling her all the things he knows she’s wanted to hear.
Thankfully, I can hear in her voice that she is skeptical about his money saving. She knows she needs to get out but wonders if she should give him another chance. He says he wants to change. However, he hasn’t really owned his bad behavior or said he was wrong. What he did say was that if he messed up it was partly her fault. THAT’S NOT APOLOGIZING. THAT’S NOT ASKING FOR FORGIVENESS.
It is an awful feeling to be in a relationship with someone knowing that you love them, knowing that your heart is all tangled up in this, but coming to the conclusion that this person is not the person you’ve thought they were.
What do you do now? RUN! Or at least take three very large steps back so that you can really see where you are and what’s going on.
Young woman,
I know it’s hard to be single. I know it’s hard to get out of a relationship. I know it’s easy to believe that this is all there is or this is that best you can hope for or that if you lose him you won’t have anyone and you’ll be alone. But Beauty, I’m telling you, if you’re in a bad relationship, like with a narcissist, get out. Get out and stay out until it is clear to everyone that he is well on his way to following Jesus and letting Jesus transform him.
I’m not an expert on narcissism but I know this: if you’re making excuses for the guy you’re dating – for the way he treats you, for the words he says to you, for his behavior toward others – get out. You’re really going to have to make excuses for this guy when you’re married to him.
I say this often, if he doesn’t talk to you the way Jesus would talk to you – get out. He’s not ready. When you start to see this, you can rethink the relationship:
Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.
Philippians 2:3&4