Paul came home on leave from the military and we were excited to see each other. Dinner, dancing, talking, dancing. We met at 17. We were young, free spirits. Over the next couple of years, we would never really break up but we would go in different directions and always wind up together. While he was home, we spent so much time together that I hadn’t seen much of my best friend. So one night, I invited her to go out with us. They didn’t know each other, but I loved both of them, so surely, they would get along.
The music was good and the dancing was fun! Ever the social butterfly, I left Paul and Elle while I went to say hello to friends, then other friends and eventually made my way back. One more dance and they were ready to go. But first, Taco Bell. We went in, and we ate. The conversation was great. My two favorite people were getting along! They went to the car and I ran into Shipley’s before our ride home.
When I got back in the car, something had changed. You know that indescribable something. You don’t know what it is, but it is. The air feels thicker. On the way home, Paul said that he was going to dinner and country dancing with his dad and step-mom the next night and asked if I wanted to go. I said, “Oh Paul! You know I don’t know how to dance like that!” Which all guys should know is the universal code for – teach me! But before he could say anything, my best girl piped up from the back seat and said, I LOVE country-western dancing!” Y’ALL! I loved my girl but not for her rhythm! She could not move. It was preposterous! And I might have laughed as soon as she said it. But not Paul. He responded with, “You do? Well…would you like to go?” “Sure! As long as it’s okay with you, Lauri.”
WHAT!?!?! What just happened here?!?! Did my favorite boyfriend and my best friend just plan to go out? On a date??? Are you kidding me? What do you say at that point? Here’s what you say, “Sure,” because you’re too stunned to say anything else. And then you drive home in silence, holding back the shock and tears, until you’re alone at home.
The next day, my heart was so sad, so heavy. I played the night before over and over in my head. Yes, I had left them to talk with one another but I loved them. I trusted them. Was it my fault? Would it have happened anyway? I was hurt, so deeply. I didn’t hear from either of them all day. I lost my best friend and best boyfriend just. like. that. Soon, those two would be together. Without me. I felt the betrayal.
As evening came, the darkness brought tears that would not stop. I cried and cried. The pain in my heart made my whole body ache. I sat at my desk in front of my make-up mirror and, maybe for the first time ever, I cried out to the Lord in my brokenness. This relationship with Jesus was still new. I had been reading the Bible for the first time on my own and knew enough to know that He was there.
Sitting in front of my mirror, seeing the pain in my heart all over my face, I could only get out, “Oh Lord!”
And then I heard the calm understanding voice of the Lord, say, “Lauri, you just can’t trust people.”
“But Lord, they’re my best friends!” And with that I meant that they had my heart and my trust and they had the power to break both.
And then He said, “I know.” And I knew that He knew…my pain, His own pain. “But they’re only human. And they didn’t die for you.”
And there it was! With those simple words came the understanding that only He, this Jesus I was learning about and learning to love, only He was able to truly love me, all of me. Only He was worthy of my trust.
No one, not Paul, not Elle, not anyone, not ever would be able to love me, not fail me, not hurt me. I would never be able to depend on anyone, the way I could this Jesus.
Y’all, it was profound hurt. And then it was profound Truth. Truth that I would carry with me forever. Truth that I would have to be reminded of on occasion.
Young Woman,
If you have put your hope, your love, your blind trust in anyone (or anything) other than Jesus, you will be disappointed. You will be hurt.
There is no rest, no healing, no love when those are the things I’m chasing. Only in chasing You do I find rest, healing and love in abundance. In my surrender you heal, give peace and rest and love.
from my journal